I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
