life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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