I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
