my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
