I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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