What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
