so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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