I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
