she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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