i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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