I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
