I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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