The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
