i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
