We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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