Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
