the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
dude i'm inner monologue high
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
