I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
