So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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