Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
