While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
