Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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