K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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