Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
