$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Text me some of your sweat
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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