Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
