He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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