I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
This is classic penis vs brain.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
