i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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