census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
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Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
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Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.