My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
it's like heaven, but drunker
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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