I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
