well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
