I hate all girls vehemently.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
