They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
