Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
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I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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