I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I have aggressive nipples.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
