Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
