Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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