please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
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Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
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If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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