I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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