I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
She told me I should be a condom model.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Randomize
