so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
