Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
