Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
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I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
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What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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