Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
