How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
