If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
