how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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