i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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