i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
