Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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