My first STD was from a foam party
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
