just come out here and I will go home with you...
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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